My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize