she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
