one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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