i permit you to call me
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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