Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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