I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
