I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
