Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
