Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
We left an ass print on the piano.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
