i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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