Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
