I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
