Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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