Whats the glycemic index on semen?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
God, you're like boner-b-gone
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
