I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
im on a boat
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