Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
