Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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