Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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