Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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