Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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