terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
