I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Damn victory sex feels great
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
