Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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