I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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