im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Sorry my hands just texted you
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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