How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
