You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
