just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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