Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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