Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
