Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
