He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
