omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
