she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
