made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
We had to coat check the pizza.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
