I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
