Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
