bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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