the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I just found puke in my bra..
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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