I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
i now understand why vodka
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
