I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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