Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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