she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
