In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
