you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
