his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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