I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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