he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Randomize
