get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
