I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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