I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I AM VODKA MAN
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Randomize
