Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
