She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
