I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
