saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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