fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize