There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
