if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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